


Not All Capes are Worn By Heroes a.k.a. The Wrong Uncle AU

by engineerwenlock



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ben Solo Doesn't Turn to the Dark Side, Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Funny, Humor, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Smuggler Ben Solo, Snoke gets out-classed by Lando Calrissian, Uncle Lando
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 13:24:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17940527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/engineerwenlock/pseuds/engineerwenlock
Summary: The Star Wars Crack AU you didn't know you needed.  Due to a miscommunication, Han takes young Ben to Lando instead of Luke.





	Not All Capes are Worn By Heroes a.k.a. The Wrong Uncle AU

As any student of galactic history knows, the Millennium Falcon played a critical role in the destruction of not one, but two Death Stars, not to mention half a dozen other crucial battles in the war between the Rebellion and the Empire.  Any smuggler can tell you it made the Kessel Run in fewer parsecs than any other ship before or since, but the story no one knows is how it single- ~~handedly~~  circuitedly stopped the fall of Ben Solo to the dark side of the Force. 

All it took was a timely malfunction of the long-range communication drive, which led to a misunderstanding with consequences felt across the galaxy.  

Han Solo, in the middle of a deep-space run on his beloved ship, received a holo-call from his wife.

“Han,” Leia said, “Ben’s been having nightmares again.  They’re getting worse. I need you to come home and take him to his Uncle L—- (static) he’ll know what to do.”

“You want me to take him to Lando?  Are you crazy?”  Luckily for Han, Leia didn’t hear him call her crazy.  All she heard was “You want me to take him to L—- (static)”

“Yes,” said Leia, “I’m at my wit’s end.”

“Alright,” Han replied, shaking his head. 

He returned home and dutifully dropped off his only son with his oldest and shadiest friend.  

“Ben! So good too see you!” Lando greeted the boy warmly, “We are going to have so much fun together.  Let’s go buy some capes!” 

* * *

Supreme Leader Snoke was having an off day. Well, more like an off month, but he didn’t like to admit that, even to himself. Luke Skywalker was a worthy foe and Snoke had laid his plans carefully.  He knew the idealistic Jedi was too strong to best head to head, so Snoke intended to use Skywalker like a lever to push Ben Solo towards the Dark Side. But years of groundwork, of evil whispers and playing with emotions were being foiled by this - this mustachioed moon jockey. 

 Just now, Snoke felt a spike in Ben Solo’s anger, and entering a deep meditative state, he was able to see the scene play out, as clearly as if it happened right in front of him: 

“But Uncle Lando,” said the boy, “Look what that jerk did to your speeder!” 

 _"Yes! Give into your anger."_ came the whisper in the back of Ben's mind.

“Relax kid, this thing’s as old as your mother, and it hasn’t aged nearly as well.  The damage is only cosmetic.  Besides, I’ve got an idea.”

Snoke watched in horror as Calrissian sweet talked the other driver out of five hundred credits, and Ben Solo’s anger was replaced with something akin to awe. Snoke knew the battle was lost as the boy told Calrissian, “That was amazing.  I wish I could do that.”

“I bet you could; you just need a teacher,” replied Snoke’s admittedly well-dressed foe.

 With that, Snoke decided to focus his energy on somewhere with more dark emotions. Possibly Mandalore, which had been the angst capital of the Galaxy up until the immaculate conception of Anakin Skywalker had created a family so full of emotional issues that an entire planet paled in comparison.  It really was a shame that Ben Solo wasn't living up to his legacy.

* * *

 

Due to more communication issues, it isn’t until several months later that Leia realizes the mistake.  Not taking any chances this time, she goes with Han to pick Ben up and take him to the correct uncle this time.

But Ben protests, “Please Mom, let me stay.  Uncle Lando promised he’d teach me how to play sabaac.”

Naturally, Han took issue to this, “Son, you don’t want to learn your Uncle Lando’s way of playing that game.  It’s landed him in trouble more times than either of us can remember.”  He stared pointedly at Lando.   

“But the nightmares have stopped.”

Leia reached out with the Force and, for the first time in her son’s life, she didn’t feel the darkness.  Who knew what Lando was doing - maybe the evil force preying on her son was frightened away by the the tasteless orange ensemble Lando was wearing today or maybe it was something else- but Leia agreed to try it, provided Lando agreed to some ground rules, like making Ben go to bed on time, eat his vegetables and brush his teeth. 

“Oh don’t worry, Your Highness,” Lando smoothly responded to Leia’s demands, “I take oral hygiene very seriously.”

* * *

 

Over the years, Lando taught his young charge everything he knew and the boy took to the lessons as easy as his grandfather learned piloting. Of course, just like his grandfather, young Ben's abilities were augmented by the Force.  If he won at sabaac because he could see his opponent's cards with his mind, well it wasn't Ben's fault the universe had stacked all the cards in his favor.  

Finally, when his training was complete, Lando began taking Ben along on his business ventures of questionable legality.  Soon, the two had amassed a sizable smuggling empire and began branching out to other shady business opportunities like casinos and nightclubs.  Han found, for the first time in his life, that he and Ben had common interests to talk about, and their relationship improved immensely.  Ben, for his part, learned from his father's mistakes and steered clear of the Hutts and the spice trade in general. 

Leia wasn't exactly happy with her son's chosen vocation, but a couple disturbing visions of Ben's fall to the Dark Side made her realize how much worse it could be, so she kept quiet about everything but Ben's most absurd affectations.  Like the Chandrillan peacock feather phase.  She didn't care what Lando said, they looked completely ridiculous.  

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

Flash forward to a few days after the Hosnian Prime disaster and the subsequent destruction of Starkiller Base.  General Leia Organa-Solo, after having successfully led the Resistance in escaping the clutches of the First Order, is gathering resources and allies.  She’s brought trusted pilot Poe Dameron, and a new recruit, the force-sensitive Rey, with her to Canto Bight.  

Poe pilots their transport to the front of the largest, glitziest casino in the whole town. and they’re led past glamorous patrons, through ostentatious hallways and around gilded (and sometimes nude) statues.  Finally, they reach a sleek conference room and are greeted by two men in matching burgundy velvet capes and the best Ithoran silk shirts money can buy. 

The elder of the two men bestows a kiss upon the General’s hand and warmly shakes Poe’s hand.  The younger man greets the General with a warm hug and Poe with a curt nod, but when he comes to Rey (who has allowed Leia to dress her up a tad for this mission,) he looks her up and down and smoothly asks, “And just who do we have here?”

Rey rolls her eyes answers flatly, “I’m Rey.”

 

Leia asks for funding, weapons, ships if they can get them, because in addition to a casino, Ben and Lando still run a very successful smuggling ring. Ben keeps trying to catch Rey's eye.  

 They’re discussing safe shipping routes when a shiny protocol droid brings refreshments and they stop for a break. 

Ben kicks the flirting up a notch just for fun during the snack break, telling her all about his piloting exploits. Rey’s just trying to enjoy the food, but she listens politely, not wanting to offend the General or her son, but Ben is hoping for more of a reaction.  He even uses the Force to re-fill her plate, a trick he's been saving for a special occasion, but she remains un-amused. 

Eventually, serious negotiations begin again. 

Rey, indicating a path lit up in red on a holo-map, “I think we can offer you protection for this route along the-” she stops suddenly. She’s made the mistake of glancing at Ben Solo who has just licked his lips suggestively. 

“Forgive me General, but I have had enough.” She turns to Ben, “You need to stop!" 

Innocently, he asks, "Stop what?" 

“You know exactly what you’re doing!”

He just smirks.

“Alright,” she says, “I can speak your language. You and me, three laps around that speeder track you were bragging about earlier. If I win, you don't talk to me or even glance in my direction for the rest of this trip.”

“And when I win,” he replies, “You agree to let me take you out on the town.”

“You may take me to dinner, IF you win. But if I’m not interested after that, and I can tell you right now that I won’t be, you leave me alone.”

“Alright, sweetheart, but I get to choose the restaurant.”

Everyone pauses negotiations to watch the race.  Poe puts his money on Rey, and Lando takes the bet.  They tie. 

 Poe steps in and suggests electro-fencing, a popular hobby among the wealthy patrons of Canto Bight, and, he knows, quite similar to lightsaber duels, one aspect of Ben’s training that has been sorely neglected. The foils are thin, rigid, electrified metal, and any body part touched by them is stunned for five minutes. Ben is, admittedly, pretty decent, and he thinks he has half a chance until Rey pulls the classic trick and switches the foil to her dominant hand.  

As Ben’s laying on the ground, quite literally stunned, he thinks, "Before, it was just for fun, but now I’m in love and I have no idea what to do.” True to his word, though, Ben leaves Rey alone for the rest of her visit.

Rey doesn’t really think much of it, until a couple weeks later, she returns from a mission and is greeted by a familiar drawl, "Hello sweetheart.“

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Star Wars, as they say, is poetry.  In this version of the story, Ben Solo follows his father’s footsteps and joins the cause for a girl.  

And they live happily ever after... Eventually.

The End. 


End file.
